doubt vs. passion

Doubt vs. Passion

in battling Doubt, my arsenal includes memories of times that inspired raw possibility or blissful ignorance: baking my bones in the desert sun, steeping in my emerald lake, being flanked by haughty skyscrapers -- little time pearls plucked from when i believed myself immune to tragedy, or heartbreak.

most decidedly, a teaspoon of delusion is necessary to succeed in a delusional world. so many ideas or thoughts or solutions or whimsical fancies are washed down the mental drain because they seem stupid, hackneyed, done, or unprofitable. then i look around and see people making lives out of thin air, and think, how could they have believed that such a plan would work from the outset? had the same thought occured to me to do xyz stupid thing, i would have been certain that if i'd even pursued the idea, i'd brand myself an idiot for life and get filed away as such -- without hope for parole.

but it seems, the more delusional and self-aggrandizing one is capable of being, the greater the chances of success. it requires a dynamic sleigh ride pulled by the hallowed horses Self-Doubt and Passion.

Passion is the most potent silencer of Doubt. Passion doesn't try to muzzle Doubt. instead, it listens and says without any strain at all, yes, but i can't help it. i will do it anyway, if it kills me, nothing else really matters.

maybe Doubt is Passion's secret frenemy. the more hostile and reasonable Doubt sounds, the more flexible and stalwart the irrationality of Passion becomes. i don't think Passion can be articulated. it is wholly irrational and it has to be, in order to contend with the shrill voice of Doubt.

Doubt is a preservative. it keeps the status quo intact -- something that can be managed and mastered with practice, leaving little room for nasty surprises or curve balls. it keeps risk at bay. it reminds us how limited we are, and how disastrous ridicule can be for a delicate ego or a fledgling dream. transcending doubt is extremely seductive and repellent at the same time. Doubt is that shiny red apple on the tree of eden, and Passion is the snake.

Passion can morph into Doubt, in order to outsmart it. suddenly, Passion asks, you can't do that? i doubt it. you can't leave this garden? i doubt it. you can't spin straw into gold? prove it. then doubt starts to look like a dirty little liar.

Doubt! all this time, you led me to believe that i couldn't. i never questioned you. passion has a point: you cannot be trusted.

then which one points to greater delusion? they are both liars. but since the choice to listen to one or the other can be as simple as tuning a radio dial, maybe Passion has a more pleasant playlist than Doubt. maybe Passion offers a less crippling delusion than Doubt. maybe Doubt and Passion play chess on the weekends and make out on mondays. maybe they need eachother in order to convince us to look beyond the garden gate and go bite the apple.