$billions$

a friend of mine is obsessed with money. and being rich. this friend is not rich, but he likes to talk about being rich and what he would do with his wads of cash and bonds and stocks and 508c6 offshore accounts in zurich and colombia. in an effort to lure me into his whirlpool of desire, he often asks me what i'd do with a billion dollars, right now. he asks me this question often because my answer is never the same.

right now, i would probably go to gallenson's and buy a gun. with that gun, i would shoot things. whatever i felt like. knock figuringes off a wall and down a laundry chute or blast holes through rusty coke cans...i would shoot my gun on the salt flats or in my grandma's backyard. i think she'd borrow it and the neighbors over the back fence could cross "dog food" off of their monthly expenses (and probably add "lawyer").

i'd buy two guns. a big one and a small one, like a glock. i say glock because that is the only gun i have ever pulled the trigger on, and i enjoyed it far more than i thought i would. the big one would be a rifle. and maybe i'd buy a third to slip in my purse or wear on my thigh...one with a pearly handle.

with my guns in tow, i'd buy an airstream trailor traveling van thing--the ones that look like giant vintage toasters. i'd decorate the interior with lickable wallpaper and visit every state in the union, including hawaii because i'd have the damn thing shipped, overnight. i'd probably skip west virginia, unless i had plenty of ammo.

i would do nothing charitable with my new-found wealth. i would hoard it, and never tell my friends or family where my new pet cheetah came from or invite orphans to stay at my gaudy ranch. i'd spend it all in a year and then eBay every last knick knack i purchased along the way. drink myself into a stupor and then enlighten myself with lunch guests like tina turner.